by Jon Moore

Our Mistakes Are Not Your Own…
Neither Will Be Your Children’s:

No, you’re not a good parent. Let that sink in for a minute….it’s ok though. Remember, no matter what you’re doing, it’s most likely wrong. Especially if you’re seeking advice from…anyone, ever. Your children are watching every move you make. No matter what you teach them or tell them, they’re going to pick up on your actions. The things which you actually do, not teach them to do. All you’re doing there is just planting the seeds in their inner conflict.

Why Yo Screwing Up Yo Kids:

Your children learn how to grow, to act, behave, how to learn, how to love, etc by your actions. Not your, ‘lessons’. Have a revolving door of love interest coming and going? Every 6 mo, every 2 years, even 5 years? It’s very realistic to conclude that so will they. Is it always the other persons fault? Of course, so, whatever your criteria for choosing a partner is, well, it’s broken. Having said that, the criteria may be just fine and it could simply be how you follow through on that criteria. Nonetheless, guess what life achievement they just picked up on? Yay, don’t take responsibility for anything! It’s always someone else’s fault. Has nothing to do with my behavior at all.

When you fight with your loved ones, your children are watching. How you fight, is how they’re going to fight. If you yell, they’ll yell. If your feelings are always getting hurt, guess who else is going to constantly get their feelings hurt? If you hit, there’s a real chance they will too. If you’re passive aggressive, guess what? They’re watching and mimicking everything you do. They look to their parents not just on how to behave, but how to hurt, how to hate, how to cry, how the love, how to argue, how to play, how to laugh, how to negotiate, now to plan, how to spend money. They don’t know and you’re all they got. So, wanna give them a shot? Change Change Your Behavior.

My Parents Were Dorks

I distinctly remember my father cuddling with my mother. I remember him stopping her, when she’s in a hurry, upset or for no reason at all and asking for a kiss. I remember her speaking up when he was wrong…and him listening to her and hearing her out. I remember her challenging him and he she.

Mama could, sometimes, be a push over. If you did something wrong, Mama would at least hear you out. You may still be punished, but she’ll weight it all out first. Father on the other hand: Rule Broken = Punishment. Was a math equation. Just ask my sister who got a spanking once, when she came home from COLLEGE, with her college roommate visiting upstairs! How embarrassing.

The Unpolitically Correct Thing To Say:

Can a single Mama raise her child up all by herself without a man at all. Of course. Can a father do the same? Yes, “can” and “should” aren’t interchangeable in our biology or nature. If you’ve too much of one or the other, it’s simply too much of one or the other. I’m not going to link to the statistics and I’m not going to quote anything. I’m not telling you: A) anything you didn’t already know, especially on an instinctual level. And B) There’s overwhelming data, research and support on this topic. Go have fun with the Google Machine.

It's What You Do. Not What You Teach

Oscar Wilde once wrote, “All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.” There’s a lot of wisdom there. Prior to children, women are much more like men. In our society now, sex can be just as transactional for females as it is for men. No one seems to have a real opinion on who disciplines, who gets some alone time, who does the shopping. Of course not, why would you? When you’re constantly tired, annoyed, emotionally drained, feeling unattractive….who has strength to reflect back to a life lesson you were once taught as a child? Forget as a child, even something you idealized with your mate prior to children. “Oh, I don’t ever wanna be one of those parents who _________.” Just know that by saying that, you’re going to be one of those parents who fill in the blank. The fact you had to feel you had to say it in the first place, is the only testament you need to know this is a truth already in the mail.

Men seem to be a little more ‘life lesson’ thinking when it comes to children. I mean it in the context that we tend to think of the life-long effects an action, a lesson or discipline may have on a child and the actions leading up to this behavior. “I’m doing this because life is hard and you gotta learn.” I’ve noticed, the children don’t walk all over Daddy’s like they do moms. Children aren’t running the show, so to speak. However, that’s not always a good thing. Sometimes children need to feel validated and heard. This is sometimes tough for Daddy’s.

Women tend to be more nurturing. When a child falls, they’ll rush over to see if they’re ok. To put a band-aid on and kiss the wound, “…to make it feel better.” I don’t know if there’s any science behind this or not, but yes, it does make it feel better. However, because of this nurturing nature, Mamas can also be pushovers too.

For Single Dads:

How many times do you remember, growing up, the stuff you could get away with mom, but not dad? Well, we dads sometimes can go overboard. We can sometimes be too strict. Let’s face it, some children simply need that kind of discipline. Most children do, in fact. Are we, as dads, overdoing it, probably.

I raise my daughter to say, “Yes Sir”, “No Sir”, “Please” and “Thank You”. I also teach her to be mindful of her current situations. Meaning, I see her getting sidetracked and wandering off in a grocery store and I’ll hide from her. She knows she’s lost and begins to panic. Never, really, being in harms way, she still has a meltdown. Finally, Daddy appears to save the day and reveal she’s outta danger and to never lose track of her surroundings. I teach her to be hyper-aware.

For Single Moms:

I’ve noticed, especially on dating sites, single moms are constantly saying, “My children come first, before any man ever will!” or “No man will ever be more important than my children” Usually some dumb statement like this. Fellas, take note, this is a good sign. You want to avoid this person like the plague. Here’s why:

You’ve only your children for a few years. Most relationships, which were once happy prior to children, seem to fizzle out around 4-7years, post child. There’s lots of reasons for this. Oscar Wilde once wrote, “It’s every woman shame that they should become their mothers. It’s every man’s shame that he doesn’t”. There’s a lot of wisdom there. Prior to children, women are much more like men. Sex can be transactional. There’s a certain sadness most bars and pubs aren’t more active on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

However, once she’s given birth, she’s changed. It’s biological on every front. Then they become their mothers. If they had a rock relationship with their dad, those issues will come to the front of the “issues” line. (It’s best to avoid these women all together. They can’t seem to handle a mans basic nature. His quiet ways, sexual innuendos, his insensitivities to…everything she values…) Now, these little quirks, which may have never even been discussed in the years before children, have a major bearing on the relationship.

If she’s always giving her special privilege babies, well, special privileges. They’re never taught to respect you. They’re not taught to respect a relationship or it’s boundaries. Of course we’ve a society of special privileged children running around. None